excerpts from my heart

State of melancholia

2009-01-04T04:09:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about writing this entry a thousand times and sadly, I have come to the conclusion of writing it :((

I have not been in a pleasant mood lately. There are times when you want to scream because no one notices you or they barely understand what's in your mind. I do not want to feel this emptiness and longing for a friend. The pieces of my life are in proper order but somehow, someone takes a hold of all of them and scatters them randomly in which I couldn't make them fit anymore. That's how I feel, I don't think I fit anywhere. Everywhere I go, there are just reasons that pull me down real hard to the extent of me being severely hurt. I envy people who has someone to cry on. They seem so secure in their life. It's like they are in a cliff but hangs on a rope to make sure that if they fall, someone is there to pull them right up. Contrary to my case where I am there, on a cliff, nearly falling but with no rope. And people, lots of them looking at me, and not one has offered me assistance or assurance that they'd be there to pull me right up. I want to jump but I can't. I am not sure that I'll even survive the fall or the heights.

Decisions, they say, shouldn't be made just in a snap. They say that the faster you rise, the harder you fall. I understand the logic of this saying, but what I do not understand is that why would someone focus on the future, on what lies far ahead of us. Why couldn't we just look and see what's in front of us, what's now? It breaks my heart to say this that I am no longer myself anymore. I have been someone else ever since. I do not know why or how, but I do know is that I am pretending to be someone.

I do hope that this long post won't bring you to a state of melancholia, it's just that sometimes, I want to pour my heart out in well of vast proportions. Yup, I just said that :((

So this is farewell for now, and see you.

Friday

2008-10-10T08:36:00.000-07:00

Hello. It's been a very long time since I last posted an entry. Urgggh. Honestly, I am feeling this weird feeling again, and it's terribly annoying. Nuff said.

Ayoko na. Naiinis na ako. Tumigil ka baka mag mumukha akong tanga. Nahihirapan na talaga ako. Para akong sinasaksak tuwing...Hahaha.

Okay, too much emo-ness. EEEWWW!

I have a fondness for hats. Couldn't upload the picture, oh wait. I'm typing nonsense.

Hey, it's almost Christmas and I'm saving money for a collector's item of Audrey Hepburn's DVD. Yeah, as early as today, I am already making my Christmas wish list.

Okay, this is getting so awkward. Goodbye, before I say too much.

LALALA

2008-08-26T08:33:00.001-07:00

Hi to JIMMY FAUSTINO Jr.

HAPPY 15th BIRTHDAY to JOY ANGELIE REYES ORIO.

tantananana...

puppy power!

A month after, or almost

2008-07-25T09:50:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's almost been a month since the last time I've posted an entry. I'm not sure exactly of what to write or how to write because I haven't had anything to think. Okay, maybe there are some.

Anyway, as I've said it, it's almost been a month and I'm already sick with silly computations during math or something like that. Hey, how'd I get there? What the heck.
So, now, lalalalala. Tralalalalala. It's exactly one a.m. in my watch... I've got nothing to do. Lalalalala. Tralalalala. Ohhh, now I know what to write, let's start in another paragraph...

As silly as I may sound, yeah, I sound silly, I can actually read! Haha. Yup, I learned when I was about 3 (but simple words). I started reading books when I was about 5. I remember the first book that I finished. Little red riding hood with illustrations that looked like puppets. Wonder where that book is. I just love it. Lalalala. HAVE NOTHING TO WRITE *KILLING TIME.

Okay, let me just enumerate somethings that happened to me today:

*SS- quiz
*Filipino- senior's ball
*Break- FOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDD
*English- discussion
*Math- learned how to graph. HAHAHAHA. kidding.
*Chem- quiz
*Lunch- FOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDD
*Trigo- seatwork
*T.L.E.- one of the boys (LOVET)
*Physics- no more phoebe (sports car, lavender, not red)
*Dismissal- meeting (officers)

The end.

Thou shall not dwell in the past

2008-06-29T06:02:00.000-07:00

Yes, the eleventh commandment. Just kidding.

I think I've mentioned this subject to you. (whoever you are) That I dwell in the past too much. And you know what, it sucks, because everytime you have a thingy majiggy all you do is relate it with history.

I am so amazed with the traditions that everyone used to live by. (whew) Those courtesy things. Their etiquette, how the way they talk or communicate, they pray, how they eat, and of course, how they use the loo. Haha. Those heavy garments on them, I bet are really tiring. Their profound tagalog and spanish words. Most importantly the war.

Here's a picture of a spanish-filipino family.

Cool isn't it. I just illegally barged in to another website. MY APOLOGIES! That was in the 19th century. (Philippines of course)

They look pretty scary. Haha. Anyway, I just want to live back-then. Please, anyone, invent a darn time machine for me. I really really need one. I want to see the tragic lives of my ancestors. I want to see their arrange-marriage thinnggy. My post ends here for now. I have a lot more things to think about.

welcome back!

2008-06-22T00:21:00.000-07:00

Yes, a big welcome back for me. It has been a long time since I've posted something on this precious and weird blog of mine. Imagine, for two whole months, I haven't written anything. That's what you call lazyness. Haha.

I coudn't remember much of this summer. I've been too shallow, and I wouldn't want to mention any of my bad attributes to you guys.

So, first week of school. Yadi-yadi-yah.
Just kidding.
It's been really awkward, it hasn't sink in yet. It seems like everything is out of hand. Well.
I was placed in the section Argon. Whew! At first, I thought that I would be in the other section. I was prepared to know, but I still had my doubts because the day before the start of our class, I asked for a sign. Anyway, it's tough to know that I don't know, this year would be hard for me.
*I wish I was home-schooled!*
Alot of assignments this past week, but I did it. Yes, we had our quizzes. DARN! Hahaha. Met new teachers. Ehem ehem. Heard mass on the fourth day. I must admit, I was furious at that priest. Look, it ain't my fault, it's his! Sorry, priest! Had fun! Yeah right!

Being a junior is hard for me. I miss all those sophomore memories: my beloved classmates (especially Mecky) and the terror teacher (haha!)
But I guess, we must move on in life. I haven't talked to my previous adviser yet. (CONFLICTS, baby!) I know, that everything will be fine soon. Hope it's just around the corner!
So, my post ends here. See you soon.

Craziness

2008-04-12T06:55:00.000-07:00

What happened today was really great. Bonding moments with my family. Laughing and teasing each other, with awful words such as assholes and sucker. Hey, we do not take it seriously, and that's what I love about my family. Anyway, I was a bit nostalgic a while ago, and now, I am narrating it.

The time when Ms. Vidal called up my mom, I was the one who answered the phone. Lucky me. Oh, but no. You see, when she spoke, she sounded like my grandmama. So what I did, was to greet her woth such happiness. I didn't know that it was her. And, I have this habbit of speaking happily to someone if he/she sounds like a relative. Immediately, I said "hi, la." La means lola. Funny isn't it. I just hope that she didn't get the la part. And, then more of my shinanigans. Several months ago, my dad's brother, my uncle called up. I thought he was the brother of my mother, my other uncle. I jolted up saying "hi, uncle." Luckily, he is my uncle. Thank, God. I keep on having these blooper. Next time around, I shall try to keep my tongue soft. Meaning, to be careful with my words.

So, I have been watching a lot of news, and a lot of odd movies. I haven't been watching any DVD. Reasons are: *The hell, I don't want to tell you*

My FTV addiction is coming back. For some time, I didn't go to that channel. But, today, I browsed, and a lot of things had caught my eye. L.A. fashion week and so. I love the clothes, Joseph Domingo's , Nicky Hilton's and many more. I want to have some.

The greatest gift of all is the mystery of a lover's heart.

-Yeah right! mystery sucks. Okay, mystery doesn't really suck. I love to solve puzzles and mysteries, and movies like those, so what the heck. Maybe it's true.

I'm trying my best to not use the frustrated label. Hopefully, I'm gonna make it through.

I'm back

2008-04-09T05:43:00.000-07:00

I haven't been posting anything. Too lazy and too clueless.

These past few days, I have been depressed. My life seems challenege-less. I'd rather take summer class than just stay here and be bored all day. (here means at home)
I love home, I love everything about it, but you see, I have nothing to do but sleep, eat, sleep, and then eat again...

Anyway, today, I brought myself back to reality. I thought I've been outside this world a long time. I watched new, just like I used to, I am posting something here, which happens to be very inparticular. I am happy for the moment, and I'm happy that I'm happy. If you know what I mean. I may be in a prison cell, but I'm learning to take things slower. I just hope that nothing will change because, then my head will start turning and I know that people wouldn't want that.

So, as I've said, things have been fine. Except that I've got this stupid cold sore. Damn, I hate it when I accidentally bite my lips and this thing pops out. Smooth sailing nowadays :))

Earlier, Ms. Vidal called up to talk with my mom. Some important topic which I happen to know because mommy always opens up. Good for me. Haha.

I really have nothing important to say. I'm just here to share foolish nonsense. So gotta go. Bye.

Sydney White and some others

2008-04-04T08:01:00.000-07:00

Today, everything was just fair. Sailing smoothly. Thinking of things unimportant. Though I had a tough time yesterday, today wasn't really hard. A person should control his or her emotions. The problem is, if a person hides them or shows them. I more of the hide thingy.

So, I watched Sydney White movie. If you're as young and as interested in English teen films as I am, then it would probably click with your taste, however, it was really funny. I certainly liked the part where the dorks get to speak up and popular bitches lay-low. Sorry for the term, I just blurt things out sometimes. Anyway, yes, it really was fun. I'm gonna watch it again, but maybe a few days from now. Usually, I watch the same films all day. Silly, isn't it, but it really is cool. Things take time to sink in my mind, and I've told you that before. One of my previous posts. Oh, let me tell you the summary of Sydney White.

Sydney is a tomboyish person who grew up with her dad since her mother died. Now, as Sydney enters college and a sorority, which her mother was in before, she realizes that things are not exactly right. She then fights for others whose voices are unheard and helps them on their feet, but as she does that, the evil student council president, Rachel Witchburn tries to destroy her socially. Despite the criticisms Sydney has got, she still rose, and stood up with her head up high. Sydney then becomes the student council president, and the dorks became, oh they were still dorks, but they lived a happily ever after.

It's a really wonderful story. Not because I'm a teenager, but because this story or practically movie shows us the real world. That not all popular, pretty girls are kind. The hell, I don't care about those things, I just care about getting a chance to speak up for our rights and the rights of others. Oh yeah, I want an Aquamarine DVD, it's a movie starring Sara Paxton, Jojo, and Emma Roberts. Now this story tell us about friendship, and how much a person sacrifices for a friend. It really is a nice movie. I've seen it, but I still need to get a copy.

So, I guess I have no sad story to tell tonight. But, I think there'll be more. Especially this summer. Oh, I really want to go to Cebu, hangout with my cousins, torture them. I have several cousins in Antipolo and Quezon, but we just don't click. I'm closer to my mother's side. I miss them so much. :)) 'll just try to have a damn positive outlook. Wish me luck.

I'm losing it

2008-04-03T06:02:00.000-07:00

I didn't have the chance to post these past few days. Somethings are just hard to handle.

Yesterday, a good friend told me that they were leaving the country this summer. It's good that they are, because my friends seemed so lonely. They'll be back, but not in our subdivision anymore. They're gonna be moving, which is bad, because we treat him like our brother.

Earlier today, I received a comment from my teacher, and you'd probably know who that is, sicne it's out in an open area. I had been wondering if I'm so self-absorbed. Maybe, I look at mine and only my problem, and takes for granted with the good things that had happened to me. Hey, it's not my fault that I'm a total idiot. Life seems so much better if problems grow faster thatn happiness. You might find me weird, but as we try to show our gladness, we forget about our sorrow, and when the time comes that we have to think about our problems, it seems much more of a burden. I have been pretending to smile, laugh, and talk inquisitively which is good, but hard when you know you're hiding something.

Anyway, things have changed, I am more capable of handling the truth. But, I still have time to fantasize about things. And people, friends? They're sliping through the palm of my hand. I cannot control their minds, but I know I'll be alright.

Go fast

2008-03-31T06:06:00.000-07:00

Everything seems so slow. Time, music, and my speed. Oh, these past few day, I couldn't really understand anything at all. I don't know how to write anymore and reading makes me sleepy. I usually show my industrious side through those two things. But now, I feel bored to do such activities. In fact, I've been spending most of my time sleeping and idling. Two of the worst things a person can contribute to the progress of the economy.

I haven't had the time to post lately, and I see it as a burden stuck in me. Anyway, I've been growing fat so far. Instead of reducing, I couldn't seem to stop eating. Gluttony, I presume is a very bad habit. If only I was more of a Phineas and Ferb person...

So, yesterday, my family and I attended the recognition-graduation thingy. I saw a lot of people. Duh, but, again, I didn't find the right words to speak my mind. Whenever I do so, they'll probably think I'm insane, which makes me feel bad. I hope they know that. Anyway, back to our discussion, yes I was there. Then as I was sitting at the back, I remembered the day when I almost tripped in front of so much audience, it was really really emarrassing. So, a bit nostalgic ey? Moving on. I sat down with Coi, baho. Haha, and we just laughed all night long, I didn't get to finish the program, because my parents decided that we had to leave earlier. And I thought that we should show respect. Nah :))

We headed for MOA then, to celebate. Little did we know, that the owner of the restaurant we stayed at, isn't the owner anymore. They've changed the management, which is bad. Because our food didn't taste well. Urgh. Which I see as their start of a total downfall. And then, we just roamed around, and nothing much happened.

Today, I woke up with an aching back. And just slept again. I told you that I did nothing more but sleep, eat, idle. Then, my sister woke me up for our daily lessons. DRIVING. It's really fun. You should try it sometimes, whoever you are. Don't be afraid. Just feel the road, and then go fast! it's the closest thing to flying, and I am afraid of heights, so I'll take it instead.

My friedster account isn't working well. I should send it to a doctor. Lately, I have been lazy to use any computer. Gadgets are good, but it take too much of our time. I don't even go online at YM anymore. I do it very seldomly. I mean it.

I guess this story of mine has to stop. See you again.

So far so good

2008-03-28T05:18:00.000-07:00

Hello, I wasn't able to post anything for these past 3 days. I was occupied with something.
Anyway, I got to watch different films lately, it really is fun doing so.
This post, will only describe what happened yesterday and today.

March 27, 2008

Yesterday, my mom went to our school to discuss important matters with Ms. Vidal. Not about me, but for someone else. So, I was at home, waiting for them to arrive. Oh, them. yes, my sister went with her because she had to practice, they arrived about 11 in the morning. Mom told me about their conversation, but it wouldn't be proper enough to spill such things. So, let's proceed. I wasted the whole day by doing nothing. Idling around the corner of the room, thinking about silly unpredictable stuff. I thought of fairies and mermaids, and other unexplainable creature, like the Loch Ness monster. Not to worry, I didn't lose my mind just yet. We decided to leave about 4 p.m. due to my driving lessons, however, we were delayed. You see, I'm quite the lazy bone. I was whining, but when we got there, I was so excited and enthralled with the fact that I was going to practice driving. It wasn't that scary as I thought. Everything went well. We left Antel, because we practiced there, about half past 6, and nothing much happened since there.

March 28, 2008

Today, I can't really explain today. All I know is that I practiced, learned the U-turns. I used to think that U-turns were easy, but hell, I was wrong. So, nothing really is cool today. EXCEPT the LEARNING to DRIVE part!

Last day of my Sophomore year

2008-03-25T02:33:00.000-07:00

Yes, it is the last day of my Sophomore year, thank God for that. I don want to get rid of anyone, but this year has been unusual, and I enumerated some of the reasons at my previous post.

Today was the announcing of the winners for the sports fest. Many were mentioned, including my sister. Now, as they said her name, some people were teasing me because I got nothing, and she achieved so much. I just let those things behind. But earlier, before the announcement of the winners, we were told to get our papers. Some were given to us, some we had to go get. So, when a friend of mine gave me my chemistry paper, I couldn't help but feel dizzy and nauseated. I was anxious to know, but I was also terrified. Little did I know, that I passed the exam. Many failed and I refuse to mention their names, but at least they did their best. And, this is already the last quarter. A few minutes later, we got bored and decided to roam around the campus since it is our last day, we really did roam around, but mostly, we did it on the third floor. The place was so serene because at that moment, the center of attraction was the court. So, waiting for some things to arrive, like more test papers, we did nothing but talk, giggle, then talk, then giggle again. Even though we were only few there, happiness surrounded us. Now, when our Filipino teacher gave us the papers back, I was shocked that Ariane got only 85. She always gets a high score in that subject, and I with English or S.S. She didn't mind actually, so I imitated her. Then, 2 of my classmates went to our math teacher and asked her if they could distribute the papers, but she refused to let them do so. She told them that the student should be the one to get it. I of course, was scared because I know that I'm weak at numbers. I went wild when I knew about what she said. And, I was like, oh Lord, do you really want me to die. Since, our math teacher said those scary words, I just asked Annel to get my paper for me. I don't know if Ms. carla knew the right reason why I sent Annel, maybe not. The good thing was, I had the courage to get it, and I didn't fail. I had something to thank about after all. Okay, the awarding ceremonies was next, but I don't really care. I'm not sport minded.

It was half-past 12 actually when dad picked us up. I was damned because I wanted to leave and go to McDonald's, I did go, but I was only there for about 30-45 minutes, my mood changed. I had a hot head, and still have.

***
I hope you understand...

-I understand, I always do.

Get me? I don't think so.

Sometimes, the sugarplum princess isn't the most ideal of all princesses, and when the nutcracker returns, he'll realize that she's just an ordinary person, trying to break-out of her shell.:((

Lashievah

2008-03-24T02:14:00.000-07:00

First, let me tell you what Lashievah means. Actually, I am clueless. Second, let me tell you how I feel right now, honestly I don't know.

A wave of nostalgia hit me. Earlier, I was at the canteen with my friends waiting for heaven to shower its grace upon me. Well, this shower thing that was coming to me wasn't a very good one, in fact, what came upon me is a decision which I needed to make in hurry. You see, the Lashievah members were asking me to join their group, and I was hesitant about it because I know that in a group, there'll always be misunderstandings and fights. I wanted to stay as far as possible from those, and I still want to do so. However, a certain someone, forced me to take the opportunity. I was amazed with her effort, that I ended up being in it. I was quite and still unsure of the decision I made earlier. I am not ready for a catastrophe to come my way, for when I was younger, I already had those problems. Yes, I had. I had been in huge fights, where I didn't know who to trust. I had been back-stabbed, and been a back-stabber as well. I killed myself through my insecurities, for the fact that they said awful things about me, and I had my doubts whether this person is really my friend. I can remember it vividly as if it were only yesterday that I was crying near the flagpole, and I didn't know how to fight back. I couldn't refuse a favor, nor I can refuse their cruelty. I let them toy me around for fear of them spreading my secrets. But yes, I got through it. Those were the toughest years of my life. I had to hold on to whatever was left for me to reach. I had to pray each night to ask the Lord for a better friendship, and I had to ask myself if I were that much imperfect. Even though, I had tragic moments in my life, I learned something, which is to stand up for myself.
Anyway, aside from those sad stories, I could tell the lighter side of my nostalgic moment, I remembered the days where I ran freely.

So, back to our discussion, yes, I am now a part of the group, Lashievah. I feel honored, at the same time terrified. Also, today, they, I mean we had to confess our true feelings for each other. What we really had to say, or so. Someone cried, but that's part of life. I understood how she felt and I don't blame her at all. I've also forgiven those people. Forgive and forget, my dear. Except for one tiny thing, which I cannot discuss to you, because I think that it's too deep for something to expose here, this can be easily accessed by people I don't know, so I'd rather keep my hand from typing anything which is related to that subject so on and so forth.

As far as I can go, I'll try my best to be nice to others.
***

One person asked me if I like someone, let's name him Dumbo. I answered no because I wasn't sure if I liked him or not. Sometimes, we have to lock our opinions and truths behind our mind, because, it may be for the best. :(( Trust me. If you know what I'm talking about, keep your mouth shut, dodo.

Dumb-ass

2008-03-22T06:00:00.000-07:00

The title of my post doesn't really concern any of us. Just a mere example of things.

I haven't blog for 2 days, which seems to be good for creative people, but not for me. You see, I couldn't seem to find anything great to write about. If I wrote something about what had happened, it'll probably bore you, because nothing much happened, but if I write something like the history of the tissue, it'll stir things up, but I know nothing about the history of tissue. As Ms. Anne puts it, I'm extremely in a writer's block, even though I am not one.

Then again, I'll try to find something interesting.

Lately, I have been finding several ways to have fun. The only fun thing for me, actually is watching a beautiful movie, which is hard to look for nowadays. I'd love to go to the beach, but I don't want to get tanned. I'd love to do the parachute thing, but I'm afraid of heights. I'd love to go to the mall, but I don't have enough money, and it's such a hassle to prepare for what I need, like preparing what to wear, etc...

Honestly, I think I'm more of a me person, fondly known as aloof. You see, you can find me very talkative when I'm inside the school campus, but when I'm out, all the talkativeness vanish. It's like, I don't have anything to say. People don't get what I'm thinking, which happens to be very odd. And the only person I can openly talk to is my sister, or my mom. We share same opinions (sometimes) and same likes.

If only I could soothsay the future...

What if I have a disease, like dysgraphia. Oh no! My brain is really out of order. Someone needs to reapair it fast. When I have something good to write, it just slips away. Just like liquid, try to hold it, it'll fall off to something else.

I'll really try to write something better. Wait for my future posts.

Foolish Nonesense

2008-03-19T06:23:00.000-07:00

First, I want to apologize for the title of my post. It really is depressing that I have nothing good to write. In fact, my mind has nothing. I thought of reading the book Merchant of Venice, but I didn't know where to start.

Anyway, this foolish thing that I'm starting is just a past-time. Making it a hobby to think of wonderful thoughts when actually, you don't know what to do. So, let me start.
Today, I learned a new way to reduce your weight (aside from not eating at all and the Stillman diet), I haven't heard of this before. Maybe, my plain ignorant head wasn' that intereseted. So what. Pfff. It's called the South beach diet. I don't want to explain it further, so just look it up at wikipedia.

One of my previous posts said something about losing weight, and how much I or we love to do so, but cannot. Discipline, my dear friend, or acquaintance should be one of our secret recipes to life's good fortune. We want to achieve something without even doing it. Trust me. So we have to work for what we hope. Gosh, what am I saying...

So, let's shift to another topic, which doesn't really concer you or me, or even any of us. Teenage pregnancy. This topic might be disgusting, because I too am disgusted. Let me proceed. I was browsing and searching some stuff on line, and I'm still doing it now. I was searching for some teen stars just like Miley, Vannessa, Ashley, and oh, Jamie Spears. Now, that's what caught me. At a tender age of 16, she got herself impreganted, which I think is immoral, and really grose. I mean, you could go make children as long as you're old enough to take the responsibility of becoming a parent. You have to work for the child, feed them, and do stuff like that. The worst part is the fact that you're doing that no because it's your obligation, but the fact that you love them. I just can't help, but feel awful for them. Anyway, take it as a lesson. This thing that I'm saying or typing right now, reminds me of something weird. But I don't want to share it.

Anyway, this thing is getting too weird, and I think it's late already. expect more of these shifting stories of mine. Bye for now.

Let me think

2008-03-18T06:32:00.000-07:00

As I was thinking a while ago, I really need to do something, I need to read a book. My mind needs to digest something.

P.S. This post is useless.

Sometimes, or maybe most of the times, I really have nothing in my mind. I feel like I'm an empty room without anything interesting. I am a blank space. Gosh, what the hell am I saying. Blank space, empty room? What now?

Okay, now I have something to write. I saw joy's blog earlier, and I realized that much has changed. Oh, my sophomore year has been very memorable. This school year has passed by quickly. It seems like only yesterday I entered the school as a Sophie. I was unsure of what to do because I was absent the previous day. Fortunately, my friends were there. Several months later, a tragedy happened, my fight, or my misunderstanding with a teacher, which I believe I still am in. A friend's brother died, and so on and so forth.

I couldn't imagine things come and go, so does with people. It takes time for things to sink in my mind, and my life. I can remember things vividly, that's why it's quite hard for me to forget.
A curse is on my shoulder.

If you haven't noticed, I used the word things for more than 1 time.

Sorry, I really am bored, and I have nothing useful to say.

I'd love to stay, but I have nothing more to say.

eclectic taste

2008-03-17T05:13:00.000-07:00

Some people have baggy clothes, some have elegant, yet some do not even care. What I have is something that I am not bound to explain...You see, I like dressing up, I love fashion, and I love the designers, what I don't get is that when you try to stand out, others criticize you. It's a never ending story. Some say that you're over dressed, some say that you have a weird taste, while you think it's just a part of an eclectic style. I have concluded that they do not get you. There are several rules in fashion that I have just imposed several minutes ago:

1. Never wear a spaghetti strap while you are wearing a mini skirt. When you think that your top is too revealing, try to choose a more modest lower piece.

Reason: Everyone else will think that you're a slut.

2. Try to pick clothes which match your personality.

Reason: It'll help you explain to them that you're different.

3. See to it that what you chose earlier is comfortable.

Reason: It won't be good if what you've picked is uncomfortable. You'll end up adjusting it all the time.

4. Have fun.

Reason: What's style without fun?

***

Here are pieces from my favorite designers. Apparently, I am not that rich to purchase any of these.

1. Valentino

2. Elie Saab

3. Christian Lacroix

4. Hanna Touma

If you haven't noticed, all the pictures that you've seen has a Victorian touch. I like baggy clothes, sassy, punk, formal, and chic. I like the way that the Victorian era, or Victorian fashion thingy influenced the way I dress up. Laces, ruffles, so cute. Some may think I'm old school, I guess that's the way it is. Also with music, I am so yesterday, especially with movies. Old settings, such as Man in the iron mask, Three Musketeers, Elizabeth, The Prince and the Pauper...I am a crazy person if you ask me, I have searched the royal blood line of England, which proves that Elizabeth I and Elizabeth II have not much in common. Maybe Elizabeth I was the great aunt of Elizabeth II, somehow I know she is. Too much dwelling in the past drives you nuts.

I have watched a lot of movies about that, unfortunately, I never got that chance to see Marie Antoinette and Elizabeth: The golden age. I was preoccupied with stuff which were quite useless. I mean, I watched Sakal, Sakali, Saklolo instead of Cate Blanchett's movie, and with Marie Antoinette, it was only available at Makati which is quite far from here. So with Sweeney Todd: The demon barber of Fleet Street.

As I am typing this nonsense about movie, which has no connection with the first part of this post, I just realize that SM Bacoor cuts English movies into one week. Unlike Mall of Asia which lasts long. Prior to the commitment of entertaining us, I am really bored with their service. I don't watch Filipino films. They're too corny. I don't think that these love-films which most producers produce help me living. They always make me, in this case us believe that stupid fairy tales happen. Couldn't they just produce a documentary about how weird I am, or how corny their films are. Come on, I've seen the same ending, could they give an unfortunate event like the lead character died due to pneumonia, or he left her for the bestfriend. There, ideas to make the world a choatic place. Nice me.

I really want to see The other Boleyn Girl. Yup, I'm talking about Anne Boleyn and her sister Mary. Did you know that Mary of Tudor, and not Boleyn said that Anne (Boleyn) was a slut! Just watch Elizabeth, not the golden age. The first one. I love that film. They say that Elizabeth I was a virgin queen. However, it didn't coincide with the events that happened in the film. Funny.

This post is getting long, and I presume that you're tired of reading this, becaus I am tired of typing already. Oh yeah, one more thing. Earlier I saw the film stranger thatn fiction, it is really nice. How an ordinary person lived, and how the author narrated his life. Emma Thompson is already one of my favorite actresses. You can catch her tomorrow (March 18, 2008) on HBO at 7:oo p.m. with the movie Nanny McPhee.

Listen

2008-03-16T06:58:00.000-07:00

Try talking without someone listening. Isn't it embarrassing?

So, let me talk or type, you keep your mouth shut, don't even dare to say a damn word!

Yesterday was Ciarra's birthday celebration, we went to Josephine's and swam. Woohoo, I'm not a very good swimmer, in fact I'm hydrophobic, back to what I was saying, we were at Ciarra's celebration yesterday, fun fun fun. Then, not so fun, Ciarra cried because a certain someone, who I believe is really tactless said something bad. I guess that's what bitches do. Urghh, I am starting to say awful words again. So, we were there and comforted Aya, that person should be grateful enough that she was invited, not like others. After the swimming-palooza, I left, actually we, because my sister came with me. We were so exhausted and my body was already aching. We left about 6-7 p.m. and arrived home minutes later. I took a bath, then ate dinner, and brushed my teeth, then we (my sister and I) left for Ciarra's house since a slumber party was going to be held there. Though we didn't get to use any huge appliances, such as t.v., computer, etc...we still had fun. I learned a lot of revelations about a lot of people too.

***

What do you think about death?

***

As I was watching FTV earlier, I realized that Valentino is really old. I love that fesigner so much, and I want to meet him. He is the last emperor of fashion. I love his clothes so much, God, if I only have that much money...

Blah blah blah.

End my post for me, I'm too bored, I couldn't think of anything right now. I still feel miserable.

What time is it? Summer time!

2008-03-14T08:00:00.000-07:00

Okay, today is officially the start for summer. I've got plans, but first, allow me to apologize for not posting anything. I was lazy. So, now, I just want to open up a bit. I hate being a plump.

Anyway, as I was saying, today is already summer. After we took the last exam, I went to outer space, I wanted to find something which I couldn't find in this world or dimension.

Okay, enough said, I really have this struggle inside, which makes me moody. Today, as I was taking the last exam which was geometry, I took it with a heavy heart, with a burden. I haven't been talking to someone personally for about a week now. I couldn't seem to find the right words, that's why I chose to keep my mouth shut. I realized that there was something wrong, and that I had been mad at her since last week. I just don't know why. I know something had happened, which triggered the mood-swing that I was conducting, but I didn't know that it would be a very big dilemma. I just have one question to ask, did I really seem numb? Do you feel that I have no emotions, that I just tend to let things out from my other ear whenever I hear something bad? Well, let me answer that question. No! I get hurt, which leaves a scar. They say it's temporary, but just like a nail on the fence which has been plucked out, nothing can ever replace that part which has been bore through. God! Why can't I show or tell them. I feel like a coward, a very big one. Some people could just cry in front of others, but why can't I.

Actually, it really hurts, and when I say it hurts, I mean it. When a person says that he/she doesn't want to see you again, you get humiliated, and couldn't understand with what you've done. So what, I was silent for a week, but it doesn't really mean that I'm that pissed-off. I admit that I was upset, okay mad, but, I know that it will subside, I just need time. Yet, know is that sensitive for me. I have been behind their backs, but I feel like I've been alone all along. I want to say that I'm a person who sometimes gets tired, slow, and pitiful. I don't want to sound miserable too much, I don't want to be like the nun, however, I really want to give up already. I just want to lay down the cards, play straight to what's ahead of me. Oh help. Before I went home, I just left her a kiss, a kiss of love, and of sadness. Probably of hope, and contentment. After all, this year has been quite unusual.

Just wish me luck tomorrow at Ciarra's birthday. She'll be there, and I don't expect her to pay much attention to the person that she doesn't want to see anymore. I don't want to force myself to be happy even though I'm not. Why the hell do I keep wearing masks, while I could enjoy life without it. Oh, teach me the right lesson.

So, enough with my misery, let's go to the brighter side of life, again it's summer time. Freedom if I won't fail at any subjects. I really want to learn how to play drums this summer, and maybe get back to piano. Those lovely keys which I used to despise because of my ignorance, now I want it so much. Maybe, if that's what's destined for me. Let's just be happy. Tralalalala.

SUMMER SUMMER SUMMER

What to do this summer?

I've got plans I tell you, but I'm not sure if you're interested, so don't mind me anymore. I really have nothing worthless to do, that's why I'm typing these letters.

So, gotta go. I need to rest for tomorrow. Swimming swimming swimming swimming. Agustus Gloop. Haha.

Playing a part

2008-02-29T04:25:00.001-08:00

Playing a part in our society is like grooming someone for the future.

Before I explained my random thoughts, let me first tell you something about what happened today. First, I was already cramming for my book report in Filipino. Darn her, she gives us hard ones to do, and she doesn't even put an effort to read our stuff. What matters to her is the long ones. Oh, just thinking of it makes me sick. I've written several lines for nothing? Oh, help me.

I've always thought of something which is far-bigger than life itself. How ever, I still am to find out about it. I really have nothing much to say. I am procrastinating at the moment.

Do you know how much I want to re-live my life again? Well, maybe you don't. If I had the power to change everything, it'll be changing the way I live. I've always wanted to play a part in real life. I want to do something good. Unfortunately, I couldn't. Nothing seems to be good for me. Whenever I try to do something right, the more it'll end up being wrong. I guess that's because I'm just human. If I was given the chance to travel through time, I'd go back to the primitive years, or the middle ages. I tell you, I dwell in the past. I'm interested on how they used to live, on how small institutions evolved to huge buildings, how women wore their dresses, or how men used to wear skirts. Somehow, I want to find Atlantis, the lost world, or Hamunaptra (the real one is located in India, but I want to find the one in Egypt). I want to navigate, explore the seven seas, fly across the world. I want to be an adventurer. My spirit is quite a fighter, just don't know why.

Oh, procrastinating again. I'm more of a dreamer than someone who hopes.

I need to focus on bigger things, much bigger things. But what can I do, my mind is too imaginative. Oh, mummies, gigantic lizards, peoples all over the world. Again, PEOPLES, treasure planet. Oh, life is so full of conflict.

Why can't I be that.

So, as I've told you earlier, to procrastinate is my newest hobby. Lalalalala.

Youth act now?

2008-02-27T02:54:00.000-08:00

Now and then, there are several rallies going on against our President. I believe that our country needs some disciplining. Democracy is something that we shouldn't abuse. ZTE-NBN deal, I admit has glitch. A little hole which was suppose to be patched-up. As I was watching the news a while ago, I find it hard to believe that there are people out there claiming that they know the truth, even though they don't. What I;m trying to say is about Jun Lozada. At first, I thought he was this humble man, telling nothing but facts, then I realize that there's something wrong. His head is growing bigger every time he makes a public engagement. Somehow, he turns like into a politician. He used to say that he was only poor provincial man. In which I mean that he was this type of guy who wouldn't enter a crazy kind of world. But no! His statements are enough to catch our attention, even with the smallest phrase that comes out of his mouth. Yes, the truth shall set you free, but what if the truth that you're trying to tell us is just half of it. What if you really weren't there when they said no. And, what if you were not a witness to what had really happened. Just because you were present for the first few days doesn't make you a legitimate witness. As I've recalled, Lozada backed-out on that case, because he knew that there was something wrong. So, he wasn't really there when GMA backed-out on the deal. Yes, she signed it, but she really didn't want to.

I know, that some of you don't really get my point. Now you see, I am loyal to the person I stuck with. Unlike Jose de Vencia. Even though he/she despised me, everything that has been kept a secret, will always remain the same. As for them, I don't know if it's really for the people, or for their personal interest. I am a pro-administration, and if you ask me why, my reasons are non of your damn business. Yes, I admit too, that Gloria may have a little of the projects she is doing, after all they're politicians. However, I don't betray the person, I may oppose to their ideas, but I should respect them. everyone is entitled to his or her opinion. Now, if you don't agree with me, might as well leave right now. To be frank, there are times that I oppose to the administration's decision. Just like the time when our president agreed to free Estrada. It was wrong move, because if a person is cruel, and mean, he can live with that for the rest of his life. Besides, he had so many mistresses. Funny isn't it, that we trust our very precious country to man who has no morals! While we despise the one who has. Cory Aquino should mind her own business. She needs to back-off! In her time, she also experienced the coups, tragedies came her way. And she isn't a good mother. A good mother could be judged by how her child respects her. Luli Arroyo, I say is one hell of an obedient child. She is simple and willing to help others. Unlike Kris Aquino who does her way. Which is very undesirable.

Politics is something very confusing. Loyalty is something that could easily be lost. And truth, well, that's for you to think of.

Busy

2008-02-26T04:23:00.000-08:00

Double time on things. I need to catch up with the curriculum here. Oh no.

These past weeks, I've been really lazy. I don't participate that much in class, and God, nothing seems to be enter my mind except the fact that 22 is my number. Haha, just kidding.

Everything is going wrong. Well, I guess it is. I'm cramming again. I have to pass the book report by the end of the week, and to finish my script. Not to mention, we're gonna have a quiz about Macbeth tomorrow. Oh darn! Being me is unbearable. Lol.

So, I'm procrastinating at the moment, but soon, I know that it is a mistake. In fact, I already know. The real question is, why am I doing it. You see, I've somehow developed the mañana habit. And it gives me hope. Yesterday, I was somehow blog hopping. As I've read trough the screen, something hit me. About dreams and hopes. Well, the only precise thing that I know is that dreams are the objects of our hears desire. (At least that's what from I've read) And hope is something that we can work for. So, for short, I am known as a dreamer. I couldn't change it. My desires are something that I can't help but to dream, and only that. While my hopes, it's something that I should keep to myself. I've always thought of both. But then, when I read that piece of work, I felt bad, because I know that nothing could stop the flow of time. If I could only do something to change that. Oh...

And again...

Hey, I'm typing nonsense while reading the summary of Macbeth. In fact, I'm done reading the summary. Cool.

Let me tell you the story...

There were three witches who foretold the future of Macbeth, and that he will be the next king of Scotland. What happens now, is the vulnerability of his wife to power. She was persuaded Macbeth to kill the king of Scotland, who was at that time Duncan, and to frame the guards for killing the king. Now, because of this, Macbeth became guilty, which drove him to insanity. He started accidentally to admit about the murder. Oh yeah, I almost forgot about the part where he told his wife that he murdered Duncan, that was due to his insanity. He was already like hearing voices or whatever, so, let me proceed. As I was saying Macbeth was already insane, so to divert his attention, he asked Macduff where Duncan was, little did they know, they discovered Duncan's body somewhere there. Again, he accidentally admits about the murder. After the murder, Duncan's sons, Malcom and Donalbain flee to England fearing for their own lives. However, fleeing wasn't such a very good idea, because it gave Macduff and Ross a hint that they were the ones who bribed the guards to kill their own father. Consequently, Macbeth was declared king.

At Scotland, Macbeth fears that Banquo and his son, Fleance might overthrow him as king. For that, he hires men to murder them. Banquo was brutally killed, while Fleance escaped the tragedy. At dinner, Macbeth voluntarily said that he saw Banquo's ghost, which made his wife excuse the guests.

Again, the three witches make a chanting...
1. Beware Macduff
2. No one can kill Macbeth if he's a woman-born
3. Macbeth will be king, until Birnam Wood came to Dunsinane hill

Finally, the ghost of Banquo appears, displaying his eight future royal offspring. Lennox and another Lord discusses that Macbeth went to England to persuade Malcolm to join hands with Siward and Northumberland. He was considered a traitor. Little did he know that villains came to kill his wife and their son for supporting him.

A doctor and a servant observed that Macbeth's wife had been sleepwalking and sleep-talking about Duncan's death. In the castle, Macbeth found out that his wife died by her own hand, and that there are 10 000 soldiers after him. The battle was fought, Siward died, Macduff killed Macbeth, for he was not born of a woman, and Malcolm was declared king.

Good, I got it. Thank you, God. Do my post has to end here. Still busy, 'til next time

-22

Pathetic

2008-02-25T03:33:00.000-08:00

I find it really amazing that people laugh at your mistakes. They seem to find it funny whenever you did something wrong. And I totally oppose to that. It is quite embarrassing whenever an occasion happens and you place your wrong foot forward.

I am happy, I really am. With my post title, it's just nothing. I can't seem to write anything at the moment.

Oh yeah, now I know what to write. It's my wrong move. Oh no! Yesterday, I wrote something about what had happened. I just want to tackle that topic again. You see, everything seems like a blur. I cannot stay in the same place anymore. I want to move forward.

Just to let you know, I am contented with what I have, but it doesn't mean that it's bad to ask for more. Yes, we and I mean we need more.

Anyway, it's confirmed, I really am going back to karate. And this time around it won't be shorin ryo that I'm gonna be studying, it will be shotokan. Boohoo. White belt again. What a shame. Just kidding. It ain't a shame, as long as I've learned something, it'll be alright. And I'm happy too. I really want to achieve something in life, and maybe this is it. By the way, today is the anniversary of EDSA revolution. Hey, I'm pro-administration, so no rallies for me. I don't get the opposition. You see, through my observations, every time the president puts up a project, they oppose with it. They say that it was over payed, and that some of the money goes to her personal funds. Crazy! You know why? Well, because not every project cost that much, and not everything she's doing is bad. If you are an opposition, you oppose to what you think isn't right, and not to everything your opponent is doing. Sheesh.

Tomorrow, is the start for our practice (Florante at Laura) double time is needed. I can do this.

Cliche

2008-02-24T08:52:00.000-08:00

I really am in a, how can I say this, oh, in a catastrophe right now. I just don't know why, but I feel like I'm in a very very big dilemma.

Today, we went to MOA again. It's part of our Sunday routine. So, there was this AAK tournament. AAK stands for Association for the Advancement of Karatedo, which I believe, that I'm in one. Yeah, I think so. Haha. There, Mr. Veguillas was present and so were his family members. Duh! But what really caught my attention was his...SECRET! Oh God! I couldn't explain it. I really was head over heels. I mean the last time I saw his...I was only 11 years old. And my cousin had a big crush on him. Actually it's not had, because until now she still has a crush on him, and probably I too. I admire his strict totalitarian ways. I look up to people like that, but I don't know why. I've always find people, specifically the male gender attractive whenever they seem to have principles. Weird right? So, again, yes, I really am attracted to that kind of personality. And up to now, I'm still in a cliche knowing that I saw him, and walked through him. Lol. Too bad, he's too old. Well, I really don't know how old he is, but I'm guessing that he's already old. What's more, is the fact that I will be seeing him (again) probably in a couple of weeks. You see, my mom and uncle decided that I will be resuming my practice for Karatedo. And the rest is for you to think...What a disaster. But I'm happy too. Our parents are quite acquainted. And so are my relatives to him! Oh my gosh, I'm losing myself. Help!

So, if you haven't noticed, I too am attracted to men who are quite older than me. Silly isn't it? But I guess, it's because of how I look at myself, which I think of very immature and unprepared, and that I need someone mature enough to guide me. Haha. Not to lure me around, and suddenly leaves me! Well, if ever I get married, I want my FUTURE husband (if, and only if) to be five years older than me. Lol. Dear Christ, this isn't right anymore. First Theart, now him? What more?

I really need a break. Too much pressure for me to handle. Darn. And I thought math was difficult. He really is handsome...haha. STOP! Let go of me, you little thingy in my head. I hate you. But come to think of it, this is a chance I should grab. Oh, forget about it. Probably by the time I'm 18, he's already 40. Sheesh. Just a guess! OKAY? I'm not that crazy you know. I want to be happy, in fact, I need to be happy. I am happy! I want to grow old with...

I don't know. Haha.

It is my passion, so with many others. When I was younger, I used to dream of being a ballerina, apparently, when I had the opportunity, my parents didn't allow me. Now, something else is coming my way, should I take it? Or should I not? I am a coward, I know I am. I am scared to let people know that I have my own share of weaknesses. I an afraid to show them that I cry. I don't tell them that I'm hurt. So, what should be my decision? Will my insecurities stop me from what I want to achieve, or will I start to grow as a person?

So many unanswered questions.
Still searching for the right answer.

Something in your eyes

2008-02-17T06:07:00.000-08:00

Today, was a very exciting one. First, let me apologize for breaking my promise yesterday, which was to post something. And, let me make up to you by telling you how this day, February 17, 2008 (Sunday) went.

I woke up earlier than the usual Sunday routine. I didn't whine about anything so far, I got dressed. I was wearing the white jumper, which I bought from Petit Monde last year. I was really excited. You know why? Well, because Claire dela Fuente was going to have a show at SM Mall of Asia. I didn't want to miss out on that. So, after the mass, we went straight to the mall. We arrived early, about 10-11. The first thing we did there, was to eat. Yummy! Pizza Hut is my favorite. Oh yeah, baby! After pizza hut, we went around the department store area. Tiring, and boring! Boohoo. Aneya and I waited for mom, dad, and Elriz to be back. Man, I was sick of that. Anyway, another stroll around the mall. So, it was the girls' time. I had the chance to shop for a little while, and the boys? They were probably fooling around at Toby's. So, I got this cute lavender top. Yes, jackpot again. Next was the nerve-wracking part. I really thought that the show would start, probably half-past 5 because, usually, Filipinos are always delayed. Apparently, when we arrived at the music hall. The seats were all taken, so the only solution to that was sitting on the stairs. It wasn't so bad after all. Anyway, there, it started 5 sharp, and I was super excited, super high in fact. I saw my idol and Claire. Though before they showed up, there were these sisters, more like quadruplets, they were sort of cool. I guess, but what the heck. I didn't go there for them, I went there for Richard Carpenter. So, there, the show started, and I was really nervous. Oh my gosh! He's so tall. He still had good looks, and I saw his wife too. (Pictures will be posted on my multiply account) Cool, isn't it? The show didn't last that long, but I still enjoyed it. After that, there was an autograph signing and picture taking, I didn't want to miss out on that either. So, we went. I never got the chance to talk to him personally, I didn't have the guts too. In fact, Elriz said that I turned red the moment I got up on stage. Haha. Mommy also got tongue-tied. That's why she couldn't say anything to him. Anyway, it's been a memorable day. And I love it. Maybe next time. If He would allow me to see him again, I might have the guts to tell him how much I adore his sister, and that his and her songs are melodies of ones soul.

Oh yeah, and if you're asking why the title of my post is something in your eyes, here's the answer...
Because, something in your eyes is the carrier single of Claire's album.

Something in your eyes I see
Is all I've ever wanted
And something in your smile for me
Is calling out my name
Your eyes, it seems
Are mirrors of my dreams
In ways I can't explain
And my heart will never be the same.

Surprisingly amazing

2008-02-15T22:29:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's occasion was surprisingly amazing and wonderful. Who would have thought that we'd be 2nd runner up at the cheering competition. I mean, I really felt like we were at the bottom part of the event. The freshmen were not bad at all. In fact, they were better than us. That's what I think. So...here's the ranking:

3rd runner up-freshmen
2nd runner up-SOPHIES
1st runner up-seniors
champion-juniors

To be honest, I was shocked when they announced that the juniors were the champion, I was expecting that the seniors were. Both of them had a good presentation, but I don't know. Everything lies in the hands of the judges. So, I'd just like to greet everyone, and tell them congratulations.

After the competition, there was the opening of the sports fest officially. Ms. _ _ _ _ was there. I don't know what's her problem, but I bet she has. Yesterday, I also overheard the teachers talking about her. Well, I didn't eavesdrop, in fact they weren't conscious that a student was listening. I was in front of them. I guess they were pissed off with her actions, because it somehow included our division head, and her face (the nun's face) was thick enough to say something awful about nanay! You see, our division head was asking someone where nanay is. Then she said something like this...

"Nasababa siya, nagpapahangin."

I know, there's nothing wrong about that, but, she was mistaken for saying something like that to my beloved teacher. You know why? Because she's the one who keeps on relaxing, who's lazy enough to watch us during practice, and who's a coward for denying what she had done probably 2 days ago. This is a dilemma, and I believe that this is her worst year. Every one's out to get her back for what she did. Well, I guess that's what you call karma. And, I think the WHOLE division three faculty is mad at her. That's not my fault anymore. She's been jealous of everyone who's better than her.

Okay, I guess my anger should be controlled.
Yesterday too, we went to the house of my brother's classmate. Actually, he's deceased. At the young age of 11, Mark Daniel Pugay passed away. That's how life goes, maybe. He died of dengue, the disease I had when I was 11 too. Scary, isn't it? I shed a tear, probably more than a tear, because pitied him. He's expecting to get better. He's mom said that he wanted to finish the scrapbook (their project) so that he can pass it right away. It contained their picture, with my brother in it. Unfortunately, he ran out of time. I didn't have much courage when I was there at the wake. I couldn't look at him, because for me, he was too young to die. I was scared, terrified, and I felt guilty. I wasn't as strong as that time when I was at the wake of Laine's brother. Mark's death had a traumatic effect on me. I'm afraid for my siblings too, you know. I couldn't handle the fact that person could die because of a tiny insect. Further more, a kid. I really feel bad, that's why, I couldn't stay inside their house anymore. I went to the car as fast as I could, and wept there. I thought, why was I crying, I don't even know him. Silly, isn't it. But, the reason why I cried is the fact that some people has to leave this world earlier than the others, and that Mark expected to live a few more years.

Let me just, divert my attention to something better.
We watched the acrobatic show. Man, was it thrilling. But I was really tired, and I needed to doze off. I also saw Ms. Carla's little girls, Bianca, and Julianne. They were cute, and sweet, and Julianne was very good at math. I'm jealous. Haha. So, I think I should stop now, I'll post something tonight, if our internet connection won't be ruined, or something like that.

Don't worry, it would be a post of excitement...
Just wait.

Confused

2008-02-15T02:40:00.000-08:00

This would tell you how I really feel...

I started a joke
Which started the whole world crying
But I didn't see that the joke was on me
Oh no

I started to cry
Which started the whole world laughing
Oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was on me

I looked at the skies
Running my hands over my eyes
And I fell out of bed hurting my head from things that I'd said

Til I finally died, which started the whole world living
Oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was on me...

I didn't finish the song, I guess, this is enough to explain my thought for yesterday's occasion, Valentine's day.

Are you serious?

2008-02-12T02:25:00.000-08:00

Today is a good day. But before I tell you what happened, let me tell you something about what had happened with the nun earlier. Did you know that Sister Ursula got mad at a batch mate...Ask me why? Well, she got mad because of his cute drawing (yeah right). Okay, let's just say piggy drawing on his test paper. Haha. It was quite funny actually. Lol then blah blah blah was next.

So, now it's my time to shine. We had our practice for the cheering competition, and it was also tiresome. Anyway, there. Blah blah blah again. I'm so tired and my back hurts. Boohoo.

Back again! Oh yeah, let me tell you that it's time to rejoice because, finally, we finished our dance steps. Haha. And, one year level(kept hidden) has the same songs as ours. We had kagat labi, crank that, and bayle (is it the correct spelling?) so do they. They should have known better...Roar. I'm mad because I am the señora, and I have every right to be mad at those two-faced copy cats! Just kidding. Maybe irritated is the right word for how I feel towards them copying our songs! My day is not over yet. Let me tell you why. There are so many other girls...

spaces:

cfhnysydudjmufdurlpfdlor

read that, my sister made fun of my blog. Haha.

Anyway, as I was saying, there are so many other girls out there who are after him! If you're close to me, you'd probably know who him is. I don;t know why, but every step I make it brings me closer to you. Good line. Just imagine I'm Nita Sayuri saying those silly words. Okay, back to I was saying...A lot of young women finds him adorable. I just don't know why. I won't be mentioning who they are, but whatever.

So, Ciarra and I were talking a while ago, about some serious matter. When I say serious, I mean it. I won't be telling that either, but you'll get a scope when I have time to further elaborate it.

So, there, my story's about to end, but I will continue living.
How bout making a short tale, which is entitled..."how my boyfriend left me FOR my best friend." Cute isn't it. So, don't worry, I'll be telling you a story about this post and about my personal conversation with Ciarra (but it won't be the full story, because I think, it would be to vulgar). So, I guess this is goodbye...For now.

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all the I need to fall into...

He looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.

2 days 'til Valentine's day. Got a date? I've got David Pomeranz waiting for me at the PICC. Just kidding. Take care, everyone. Have a happy Valentine's day.

Tired

2008-02-11T02:08:00.000-08:00

Ooh, now, I know how it feels to be pressured at something. I really am, my legs hurts, my back's aching, and for the other parts, I don't know how to explain it anymore. Practice was something to be taken seriously. It was so exhausting, from 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. Can you imagine that? Well, I don't want to do it anymore. I had to split a lot of times, and we had to dance several times too. Anyway, I think it was worth it. Haha. I was also scared when I saw the first year's dance. I feel that with theirs, we look so KULELAT, and we'd make a fool out of ourselves. Pity, isn't it? I don't know. Maybe I was too insecure, because my BEST FRIEND is from that year. And, she might be looking at me. I have nothing more to say except that...

I want to grow FAT! Haha.

David's concert...

three day to go!

I'm tired.

Goodbye now!

Love love.

2008-02-10T05:03:00.000-08:00

Oh, don't you think that it's so sweet? Me? I don't. I just don't know why valentine's day doesn't mean that much to me. Maybe because I don't believe in love. Yeah, what I think of it is that people say they love someone to divert their attention from problems. So, I'm sorry for those people who believes in such thing. Well, maybe the reason too why I don't fall in love with the word because I've never experience such. With my family, but with the opposite sex, I haven't. Slight infatuation is good, but I think the concept of a relationship is foolish. A commitment which makes it rather difficult for the both of who's in one. You see, they want to be in something like that because they think that it measures their appearance. Silly, isn't it. The more people say that they had this amount of previous relationship doesn't mean that they're pretty. Maybe they just have the appeal, and I don't agree with that. I know a lot of people who aren't quite pretty, but has a lot of ex boyfriends. Haha. So, go ahead, make a fool out of yourselves. Anyway, speaking of Valentine's day, David's still here. And he's gonna have a Valentine's show on February 14, PICC. Tickets are from 800 to 5000. I wish I could attend his concert, because I'm not even sure if Richard's just gonna come here, or he would have a concert. So, I don't want to miss both of them. I'd rather attend the first one than not attending any of those 2. Huhu. But seriously, the person whom I want to meet is Richard Carpenter. After all, his sister is my idol. Though, I'm doing the exact opposite of what she did years ago. Sheesh. She was an anorexic, and I'm stuck with making myself bloat. I'm sick of dieting, so it's easier to gain weight right? There. But I really want to meet the both of them. I already missed David's show yesterday night. Boohoo. I really don't know if Richard would be conducting his own show, if he would, I would definitely go. But if he wouldn't, I might stalk him around. The only problem is, I don't know where to stalk him. Maybe at the ABS-CBN studio? Well, I don't know. Please God, if you're there, I would really love to have the opportunity to meet to of my many favorite stars. Please!

Anyway...

I know I need to be in love
I know I've wasted too much time
I know I ask PERFECTION of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that's what I'll find.

Wishful thinking

2008-02-09T01:34:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been thinking. But before I tell you about my thoughts, let me tell you what happened today.

So, we went to Annie's house. We were making the T.L.E. project. Difficult, that's we asked for help from several classmates. So there. We met her older sister and her friend. I don't know how to describe this incident, because I think that I would be to blunt. But, what the heck. They were kind. Unlike _ _ _ _ _ _ _ siblings. Could you imagine that your own sister, says something bad about you in front of guests. Quite unbearable actually, well, I guess they have their own point of view towards their own sister. I'm glad nothing happens like that between me and my siblings. I'm really blessed that I have them. Though there's no such thing as a perfect relationship, we try to do our best. Anyway, back to my thoughts...

There are people who aren't really contented with their lives, and tries to do foolishness because of their greed. I know, I shouldn't meddle with that kind of person, but I guess, I have to. They're just human anyway, and it's not my fault that I take notice of them so much. I guess that's life. So, post needs to stop here. I don't have much to say. On second thought, I have much to say, but the context of my thought are too confidential that even this blog couldn't handle.

Haha. Some people are born with a beautiful heart. With physical aspect, pretty can be used, but with the measurement of ones love, beauty is something worth saying.

Lonely

2008-02-08T06:57:00.000-08:00

My wounded soul has been lonely, my broken heart refuses to beat. All my life, I've been trying to know the meaning of life. Until, I was lost. Rotting, dying, and crying, my life couldn't be better. Just tell me when do you think I should give up. Several years has passed by, I want to know what pain can teach me. I've been patient enough, and I've been trying so hard. I know, I can make it, but I'm too weak, too sad, and too lonely.

Pahabol again

2008-02-08T04:47:00.000-08:00

Four days ago was the 25th death anniversary of Karen Carpenter. As you all know, she died of a heart failure, due to anorexia nervosa. Yes, I've already posted something about this. But, what the heck. And her brother is coming to town. Maybe, I don't know. I haven't heard of anything form that yet. Well, the last time I checked, he'd be here form February 14-20. I hope I can catch him. I cancelled my date (haha) with David Pomeranz just for him. So, he better be here.

Sick. Tired. Busy.

2008-02-08T04:04:00.000-08:00

Earlier, I've already told you about how my test went, right? So now, this is just a "pahabol". I'm sick. I have a terrible cold, which will eventually lead to cough. Urghh. And tomorrow, there would be a practice. Funny isn't it? Yeah right! So, I really have a lot of things to do. Let me enumerate them for you...

Angles article
T.L.E. project
S.S. project
Filipino Book report
Filipino script (Florante at Laura)
Prepare for our English book report

Yeah, a lot of things to do, but still not doing it. Lol. I really find it hard to focus on one thing when I know that I have more stuff to do. Just makes me nervous. And for the record, I don't know why our Filipino teacher chose me of the three people who would be helping in making the script. I'm not really good at that subject you know. Compare my grades to others out there, and I don't even know how to translate my thought through words, because I find it really hard. Darn! Next time around, I'll try to back-off! So, my life's about to end. I can feel it. Haha. I don't know why I feel so low now-a-days. Maybe, my psychotic self is unleashing its power again. I hate it when my mind becomes so imaginative, that I couldn't even control it.

To talk about something else, a while ago, I was searching for something in the web...Best dressed of the year. I really find it sweet, that they put something like that up. Fashion is something that you live with your whole life. Unless you're a pretender who thinks that you won't be needing it. Seriously, we all live with it. We might just not know it yet. I mean, I don't know with those people who says that they're really simple. Dressed casually. Even my mom, dresses in a posh manner. You could be elegant, at the same time thrifty. Yeah, I know who's like that. Ooh, I'm nostalgic right now. Let me tell you something about me. When I was younger, I never left the house unless, I was properly dressed. I remember, I wanted to look pretty in every occasion, and every week, we used to go shopping. Haha. Those days are cool. But now, I guess my family needs to tighten its belt. I can live with that.

What makes her so much better than me? What makes her just everything that I can never be? What makes her your every dream and fantasy? Because I can't remember when it was me.

time out

2008-02-07T21:17:00.000-08:00

So, I haven't been blogging for weeks now. I just don't have much time, and whenever I try to use the computer, someone'll butt in. But, now, I've got it all to myself. Anyways, a lot of things had happened, including the 4th mid-quarter exams. quite hard, becuase lately, I have been really lazy. As in, LAZY, really, I was already cramming for every test that I took. Yes, crazy isn't it, but that's the consequences for being such a day-dreamer. Lol. So here's what happened during the first day of our exams. First subject was C.L. It was really fun, answering those silly question. Well, I really find the nun's questions silly. I just don't know why. So, haha. Then, T.L.E. It wasn't as hard as our 3rd quarter exam. I really was nervous for the test VI part. It was about topologies, and I didn't even listen to our discussion, but anyway, I answered it, so Math, God, I didn't know what to do. The 2nd day was English, S.S., and Chemistry. The first two subjects were really cool, nut unfortunately, I didn't get the chance to finish my chemistry test. Thanks a lot to the nun. Yeah, I really appreciate what you did. But seriously, I was happy that Ms. Vidal gave as a 10 minute extension. Thanks, ma'am. Third day, the most nerve-wrecking. Just kidding! You know, I really thought that our biology exam would give me a nosebleed, apparently, it hasn't. She was scaring us with these word...

"mag-aral ng mabuti, marami kayong terms ngayon, mahirap ang exam niyo."

So, today, after taking the short exam, I was like, yeah right! Haha. Geom and Filipino, came easier than I thought. So, tomorrow's David Pomeranz concert, too bad I won't be able to watch it. Seriously, I find him odd-looking. Oh yeah, the school administration want us to practice form 7:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. on Monday, for our cheering competition. I suppose, that's gonna cause us our health. We won't be able to take proper rest, and with the watchful, terrible eye of Pepe! Oh my gosh! So there, Wait for further posts. You never know, I would be industrious in writing one. 'Til here.

Dear God

2008-01-24T02:46:00.000-08:00

After you read this post, forget about it, okay?
So here it goes.

Today has been a nerve-wrecking day. Not nerve-wrecking because I was nervous, but nerve-wrecking because I was furious. God, I really hate that hag! At first, everything went smoothly. I asked my friend, Gia for help with the seat work, and she helped me. So yes, everything was fine, until Biology class. What had happened was this...

Gigi, was reporting, or refreshing our memories about the eyes. At first, everything was at peace, except for the nun's freakin' face. Ooh, silence was brought up in the room. Terror and fear were present too. I don't know, I wasn't that scared. I raised my hand because I wanted to recite, and participate in Biology class. Just because she's mad at me, doesn't mean that she has the right to stop from getting what I want. So there, I was waiting, until I was called. So here I was, excited to answer what the use of this and that is. So I answered, I thought that she was contented because answering in her class was the least thing I can do, but she wasn't. With anger and rage on her face, she asked me to repeat my answer, because she couldn't hear. Well, she should have cleaned her ears. As an obedient child (Oh?) I did repeat. Again. anxious to repeat my answer, so that I could make a good impression out of it, oh boy, it made it worse. So she was like..."Could you make your voice louder, I can't here you." In my head I was thinking that she was so near. She was just right behind me, and yet she couldn't hear? My gosh, is she deaf? So there, repeating it for the third time was the blast. Because then, it got worst. She told me to repeat the last part, but actually, I had to repeat everything. So, she was mad. Actually, my last repetition was quite good. You know why? Well, maybe because of the fact that it already had a tone. I mean it. I answered her sarcastically! And I sure am damn proud of what I did. I really did HAVE to do it. She should have known better. I'm not like the others out there, who cries because of what she said. I have more to think of than just her UGLY FACE. I know she was quite pissed-off, well, so the hell am I. And I just found out the almost all of the faculty members admire her so much. It might be because of her dedication and hard work, which gives her enough memos to live on. I just hope that she knows what I've been through. I've been with many cruel people before, so I'm used to it. As for my friends, I believe, they're on my said. After all, she's one hell of a bitch!

Nanay

2008-01-24T02:23:00.000-08:00

So, this post is for Tuesday's events.

Last Tuesday was my adviser's birthday, Ms. Maria Carla Chin Cuevas. We had a small celebration, unfortunately, I wasn't able to donate something for that preparation because I was absent the day before. So, I had to lend them my apologies. everything went well, except for the fact that someone is still mad at me. What? It is wasn't my fault. She was too sensitive. So, why the hell would I say sorry? Anyway, back to nanay's birthday. It was really fun, and exciting. I was happy for nanay, she's been very kind to us. There was food, decoration, and noise of course. That's always a part of a party. Apparently, "the nun" was hot headed that time. I guess she was just jealous because she had no party when it was her birthday last year. Boohoo. Haha. So, she was like mad at the other section. Taking it out on them. She's BORED and TIRED, well, that's what she said. hey, it isn't the other section's fault why they treat her like that. If she had been kinder and gentler, well, maybe she'd deserve it. But she's not deserving. She keeps on comparing her section with us, saying that our section is better, and all the thing she did to disgrace the other section. I mean, if I was at GOLD, and that's what she always said, then she'd already be on my nerves. I really pity them, but. I can't do anything. What the heck. Let's just be happy, because at the end of the day, we're all human, and we make a lot of mistakes, maybe she's already guilty too, though I won't know how she feels, God will. So my post needs to end here.

Boring

2008-01-19T05:03:00.000-08:00

Blah blah blah. Nice introduction right. Well, I have nothing much to say. All I did today was eat and watch TV. Yeah, I told you that this day is boring. But tomorrow won't be. I guess, you know, just maybe. I missed a lot from yesterday's absent. Boohoo. Haha. I have nothing to tell you, except that my mind just won't rest. Okay. My super short post ends Here. Bye.

Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain. Haha.

Oh no!

2008-01-18T03:56:00.000-08:00

Hey, this will be a short post, because my back can't stand sitting down. The radiation will destroy my bones.

So today, I was absent due to my back pain. I hate it. I missed 2 quizzes, and didn't pass my assignments. What happened today was nothing more than the usual. Actually, it's a boring day. Mommy didn't allow me to stand that much, and sit too. Bad, right? Anyway, I tell you, this thing really hurts. I can take emotional pain, but the consequence for that is physical pain. I'm not that strong physically. So, the whole day, I have been thinking. Thinking of what to wear if ever I got the chance to meet David Pomeranz and Richard Carpenter. Well, they'll be here by February, and I'm very much excited. Anyway, a brief nostalgia hit me. I was like asking my parents why some people decide to take their own lives, and they were like telling me that their brain's (depressed people's brains) are taking much of the body. Their consciousness, actually. So there, I was "okay." Haha. My post should stop here, because my back might turn weird again. The radiation's too strong. Bye bye.

Back

2008-01-16T23:40:00.000-08:00

Oh no! Today, I woke up early. I couldn't breathe well. So let's just expect the unexpected. You see, I left school at lunch time. I had back pains. Daddy even think I'm scoliotic, and mommy thinks I have pneumonia. Scary, isn't it? i couldn't blame them. I mean, I had a history with pneumonia, I was about eleven years old. And with scoliosis, I have several relatives who are. These people are scaring me. Oh yeah, and the other night, I had a headache, what a disaster, they were thinking that I have a migraine. How come these things happens to me. I don't want to have those illnesses, I sound so sickly. I just want to be anorexic. Really! Haha. I find it interesting. If not anorexic, then I want to have bulimarexia. Click on that word to have a further information. Oh, that's even worse. I wonder how it feels like to be really thin. Don't worry, give me uhm...A month, maybe, just maybe I can achieve something like that. Of course, it won't be that easy. Whoever said that not eating is easy? No one right? So my post ends here, don't worry, I'll be updating you with several eating disorders. Lol. Bye.

Practice

2008-01-16T23:29:00.000-08:00

I haven't written anything yesterday, so let me start. Ms, Carla was absent, oh no! Anyway, the substitute teacher was Ms. Grace. Haha, mama Grapes. So, at first, it was quite scary. She might tease me again. But, no, thank God. So we just answered a seat work, and then break. Biology was kind of cool, except for the fact that my biology teacher is mad at me. What the heck. But everything went fine. Actually, more than fine, because I was quite industrious. To the point that I listened well to my chemistry teacher. You see, I don't like computations that much, but I'm learning to like it, especially with chemistry. I guess because I slept early the night before. Then came English and s.s., my 2 favorite subjects. I really love them. Haha.

Practice was then tiring. I had to dance, and Pavarotti backed-out. Argh. So there. My post is quite useless and short. I have nothing to say. Goodbye now.

For the love of God!

2008-01-15T03:03:00.001-08:00

Here I am again. Falling apart. With a broken heart. Ooh, it rhymes! So, I was mad. I repeat, "WAS" mad. Ask me why? Well, it might have been the fact that someone got mad at me because of her "sensitivity". Really! She was over reacting over a simple question. How bout you answer this:

"As in cover to cover, pati yung hindi na-discuss."

I took it literally, because I was thinking of something...Here's what she replied

"Magisip-isip naman kayo. Hello? Pinapadali ko na yung subject na to. Mag-isip ka ha!"

Ok, that's what made me mad. Oh yeah. She also said this

"Nag-iisip ba kayo?"

I wanted to say..."hell ya! you are the _ _ _ teacher, hopefully you'd remember that."

I mean ok, I just wanted a yes or no answer. Whay the hell is she trying to make the story so long. Look, I'm not that stupid. Then she asked everyone to leave the room, except for me, and her.

we were talking. She was uhm..."mas matanda ako!" So what if your older. I know I know, we should respect our elders, but as Beatrice Saw said..."Ang respect hindi yan iniimpose, ineearn yan!" Right on. I believe in that line. If your old, but doesn't deserve respect, then why the hell should I care, if you don't mean that much to me, then, disappear. See how easy I am to deal with. So I think I should stop. I'm being frank with my anger right now. Goodbye.

Monday. Blah blah

2008-01-15T02:58:00.000-08:00

So yesterday was the returning of the papers. Man, was it nerve-wrecking. I got extremes. Either high or low. I mean it! So, nothing much, actually. Free time, and laughing around. See, what a wonderful beginning. No! Actually, it was a bad start because I failed in math. And math my dear friends is the first subject. So, there, I cried. Yeah yeah, I cry because of grades and not those complicated problems. Funny, isn't it? So, there. Sighs.

So, afternoon, was nothing much too. Quite boring actually. But then came the scary part. Oh. No further explanations. It would turn my good mood to bad. So there. Oh yeah, when I told my mom that I failed math, she had a "what?!" reaction, but she didn't get mad, that's why I sort of felt happy and guilty at the same time. Gotta go now. Bye!

Happy

2008-01-13T04:32:00.000-08:00

This is the counterpart of my previous post, from the moment you read the title of the post, you'll know I am. Yeah right! Let's just say that I'm quite contented, not that happy, but contented. I know that tomorrow is Monday, and good God, I hate Mondays, and hot rainy days. Anyway, so it's Monday tomorrow, and it's the time my test results will show their shadow. I really am scared but for tonight, I'll just think of things that will comfort my nerve-wrecking results. However, my mom just held a family meeting tonight. It has been quite confusing actually. They're opening a company. Not as big as a multi-billionaire company, just a simple one. You never know, it'll become a blast.

I really am proud of Claire dela Fuente, so much. You know why? Because she will be singing with Richard Carpenter, oh yeah. You know, I really want to sing with him, but I guess thirty years have been such a long time. So, I'll give in. Besides, she deserves it. She has sacrificed a lot to get it. Maybe my time will come, I too have dreams of singing. But not here, maybe in Hollywood. Haha. Quite a leap. I love to laugh, it's my habit to just laugh or smile at anything I think funny, even though it really isn't.

Depression

2008-01-12T19:12:00.000-08:00

So, I haven't posted yesterday, now I'm trying to post my thoughts for yesterday's events.

Here's what happened, I was sitting or probably laying down in the room with my head full of memories. Mostly from bad experiences. You see, I think that the most important part of your life is your childhood, because once you were a child, you were taught well, groomed well, and treated well. However, if you were an outcast like I once was, you'd end up being insecure. Somehow kids could be very brutal and very tactless to what they are saying. I've had my experiences, and it still stings my mind. I had a quite miserable childhood. I wasn't abused physically, but I was abused emotionally. By whom? By the people I called friends of course. And what's funny is that, I still manage to forgive them despite their shortcomings. The pain of the words they said about me is still fresh in my mind. I have grown, and I have learned a lot, but I've never learned how to face my insecurities. To embrace my imperfections. No, I haven't. The more I try to embrace them, the more it hurts.

It was my elementary years where I wanted to be home-schooled, where I thought everything was going to end, where I thought that I was alone, and still alone. It has been a big part of my life, and if I had the chance to change something, I would change the fact that I once called them "friends". Now people seem to find it hard that I was a crybaby, maybe because I don't show them how I feel. Maybe because I look numb every time they say something. But actually, I am greatly affected. Every kind of word that comes out of a person's mouth is implanted in my cerebrum, where all judgement, discrimination, and reasoning are found. Now, I want my vengeance, apparently I can't, because if I did, I would be as mean as them. My experiences are already enough to understand that there are some kids out there who'll end up just like me. Insecure, afraid, lost, psychotic. Then again, someday when I'm all grown up, I would empathize all those who've been hurt the same way as I was, I too want to put up an institution for depressed or traumatized children, because I know I've been depressed and traumatized. One sign is that every morning, on my way to school, I have flashbacks, that I would be with the same people who has killed me. Every morning, I'm afraid. Afraid that they'd be back to stab me.

My depression was on its highest level last night. Everything just keeps on coming back to me. And my psycho-blah blah is getting worse. I couldn't eat well, because I think I'm fat, I couldn't look straight at myself in the mirror because I'm ugly. It's hard dealing with these, but you just can't stay away from them.

Only yesterday

2008-01-11T06:19:00.000-08:00

Today, I was at Rolaine's house. I was there to attend her brother's wake. Yes, her brother died. Not only that, he died at a very young age. Well, I felt sad. At first I was thinking about things. About life, about death. People are so afraid of death. We think of it as one huge problem. I admit that I'm afraid of it too. You see, I am not assured of what lies after life. I'm scared to be away from my family. I don't even want to think of such things, but there are times that you have to. You see, there are times that I too want to leave this world, because they said there is a better place. But I have to think of it. Think well, realize. What if I won't get to be in that better place? What if I went to the world where no one wishes to be. I believe in God, and I put much faith in Him.

At a young age of 32, Karen Carpenter passed away. But not recently, anymore. It's almost been 25 years since she died, February 4, 1983 was the exact date. It was a tragic loss of the music industry and for me. She died of a heart failure due to Anorexia Nervosa.

Here are her pictures before and after her illness:

In this photo, Karen looked quite heavy, but then...

What a change. A change that changed everything else, including a change after her death. Though I was born ten years after she died, I feel like I was with her or I've been born long ago.

Sometimes, things just happen to fast. Like death, age, and a lot more.

Karen Carpenter was a star on earth, and a star in heaven. One of the brightest star to have shone on the face of the planet.

And to Laine's brother, even though I haven't met you alive, may your soul be at peace, and may you too find happiness in your next life.

Exams

2008-01-10T03:42:00.000-08:00

So this week, we had the exams. I think I got bad grades after taking them. It's like as if I wasn't prepared. The day before the exams, I was absent, so I was determined to make my Math grades better. So I really studied hard. But surprise, surprise, I had mental block. It's really a wonder why things which are really unpredictable, happens. That's for the first day. And I had to cry that afternoon, and though it's not in my system to cry, I just did, and let everything out. Not really everything, but I did cry. So for the second day, everything went almost well, but Chemistry made it bad, so I don't know what my scores are, and I don't intend to know. Third day, I wasn't quite prepared. I just gave my best shot. Oh help me, God. I'm dying. You know, sometimes I wish I were dyslexic, so I wouldn't have to read. I read, in face I love to read, but the consequence of knowing how to read is that you have to face math problems. I'm really bad at Math, just to be frank. I really can't imagine numbers as a part of my life. My brain size is like of a pea whenever I solve Math, or any subject related to it. Chemistry too. Yup, it has computations. I just couldn't think of how to apply. My Cerebrum happens to be malfunctioning when it sees numbers. I really am gonna die. And, right now, we've got some problems at home. How can I tell my mom that I didn't do well in all of the computation subjects? This is really a dilemma. I couldn't sleep. But somethings are quite funny too. You see, I seldom cry, it even seems like I'm not affected, but I really am. You'll see it when I start to lose weight. I'm slightly bulimic. I really want to redeem myself from the shame I put up to. I don't know if I could set foot in the school again, I don't know how to tell my mom about it, she'll be undeniably raging mad. I really am dumb. As much as I can express my feelings, I chose to express it here. I really don't open up to others, but since you're reading, might as well understand my situation at the moment.

I just wish that I was someone with a lot of common sense when it comes to numbers.

Confused

2008-01-04T06:41:00.000-08:00

Have you ever tried being alone in a room, with the lights off, and sorting somethings in your mind which has been bothering you for quite a long time? Well, I have. You see, I have been thinking lately, about things which I'm not suppose to think of. It's been bothering me ever since. But of course, I couldn't say it. The contents of my thoughts are quite complicated to understand, especially for those people who aren't quite close to me. You see, every time I think of it, a brief nostalgia hits me, and asks me if I am serious about it. It is my burden to remember it all the time. Especially when they say "I love you." I just don't feel comfortable with that line. It hurts me, especially when my loved ones say that to me. I'm just so confused with how to react. Life could be so complicated and unpredictable sometimes. I tend to be so sensitive with that. It's quite hard to handle, but I'm getting the heck of it.

Anyway, to change the topic, I deleted my other blog today, and it's quite something to grieve on. And nothing much happened, everything was quite fair, and the wind was cool, relaxing kind. So, to sum that up, everything has been fine, except for my burden.